Yes, of course the act itself is bad but what happens afterwards just goes on and on. For years, every time I'd have sex I would become hysterical and run to the bathroom where I would cry and then put myself back together. I thought this was what people did during sex, probably because I was assaulted before I was sexually active. After years of this, I had a very understanding lover and he told me to do whatever I needed to do. I was able to stay in bed and cry with him. Eventually, I stopped crying.
I took a night class at San Francisco State University. It was hard to park and so I parked down near the dormitories. I had to walk down an asphalt path through the woods to get there. My class was over at 10 PM and I was walking down the path. I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around to see a man advancing toward me. I started running and I ran all the way to my car, got in and locked it. The guy stood outside my car window, and excitedly told me he needed a ride downtown and to open the door and let him in. I honked my horn over and over, hoping to alert someone in the dormitories. He ran away. I never told anyone about this.
When I was ten years old, my mother worked full-time and left me alone a lot. We had a boarder who rented one of the bedrooms where we lived. One Saturday, he told me we were going to do something fun. He said to lay on the couch on my back. I did it. He took his finger and traced the outline of my lips, telling me that my job was not to laugh. It didn't feel right but I didn't know what to do. Shortly after that, I would come home after school and close the bedroom door. I'd take off all my clothes look at myself in the mirror naked. I had no idea why I was doing this.
About Eliza Mimski
"I am a writer living in San Francisco. My work has appeared in Entropy, Poets Reading the News, the Eunoia Review as well as other publications. In 2017 I was a finalist in the San Francisco Writers Conference contest in adult fiction. That same year, I was also a finalist in UK's Fortnight Poetry Contest."